The Twisted Tale
by Celtic Mysteria
Summary: There seem to be an awful lot of perfect princes in fairy tales, and it's hard not to feel sorry for their less gifted peers. That is why I feel obliged to tell the little known tale of Prince Uh, the Simple, and his search for a princess.


Once upon a time, in a kingdom far away, there lived a dwarf whose skill as a metalworker was known throughout the land. Princes from all around would go to have him craft their swords; queens would go to him so that his nimble fingers could procure intricate works of gold to sit atop their perfectly coiffed hair; and woodcutters would save for years to buy one of his legendarily sharp axes.

For centuries this continued, until one night a goblin broke into the dwarf's workshop. The goblin stole the dwarf's carefully constructed works of art, then loosed a troll in his home. In the chaos that ensued, the thief escaped, but the king refused to let his army follow him into Oz, to the west of the kingdom. Such was the dwarf's fury at this blatant act of ingratitude that he stormed from the kingdom, not to be seen for centuries.

As the weapons and jewels of the land began to fall into disrepair, the king began to regret his decision. He demanded the rulers of the surrounding countries keep lookout for the goblin, though there was no response. So he and his queen offered many precious treasures for him to return, but to no avail – it was as if he had vanished from the face of the earth. The fae were the only creatures unsurprised by the dwarf's staunch refusal to reclaim his status as royal blacksmith: a dwarf's capacity for grudges had long been a fact in their world. Soon the king and queen turned to dust, as humans are wont to do, and their offspring took their place.

Many kings and queens occupied the throne over the years, each one shabbier than the last, but our tale begins during the reign of King Harold and his son, Prince Uh the Simple. Of course, Uh was not his given name, but supposedly his real name was so long that no one could remember it, not even Uh.

As is often the case with princes, Uh was fond of riding around the surrounding kingdoms in search of princesses – in fact, it was the only thing he ever seemed to do, if he was not in his bedroom paying endless adulations to his reflection. On this particular day, Uh was riding through a place known only as The Forest.

The Forest spread for several thousands of miles along the border of the kingdom, and carried on across into the surrounding lands. It was a grim place, yet there were odd spots of lush greenland concealed within, where there often dwelt a dryad or wood spirit. Less often, however, a beautiful princess could be found washing her hair in one of the many hundreds of streams that flowed through the forest. It was one of these princesses that Uh searched for.

Uh being – as his name would suggest – rather dim-witted, he had managed to get himself hopelessly lost by the time his horse had taken ten steps, and so for hours he guided it between the trees, often finding himself going in circles.

Now, The Forest was filled with many hundreds of assorted stone structures, but Uh being who he was, he had succeeded in avoiding them all. It was only when his horse became sick of tracing various geometric shapes and bolted that he managed to stumble across one.

So excited was Uh by his discovery that he hardly noticed the low-hanging branch until it slammed into his abdomen, beating the breath from his lungs.

With a cry like a cow with bellyache, he tumbled into the dirt, and remained there winded for a few moments; well, until he realised that the dust was gathering on the rear of his silken jodhpurs.

As though he had been burnt, Uh leapt from the ground, brushing frantically at the seat of his trousers, completely unaware that he was being observed from above until the watcher spoke.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" she yelled, leaning out of her window.

Uh blinked up at her, his mouth opening and closing several times.

"What are you, a fish?" taunted the woman, releasing a spiteful laugh. "Swim away, little trout!"

It was only then that the prince reclaimed his senses.

"Madam!" he replied, "I fear you are mistaken. I am no fish – I am a prince!"

"Aha! Another brain dead fairytale wannabe in search for the equally vapid princess living here!" snapped the woman, narrowing her eyes.

Uh hadn't the faintest idea what she was talking about, so merely gave her a good-natured smile.

"Whatever you say, fair lady. Might I come in?"

The woman's jaw dropped slightly, and she found herself floundering for another scathing remark. Uh, in the meantime, was staring at her expectantly.

"Umm...by all means." The woman said when she couldn't find a suitable comment to make.

There was a moment of silence, Uh looking up at her anticipatorily.

"What are you waiting for?" snapped the woman, glaring at him.

"You must throw down your hair so that I might climb up!" Uh explained as if talking to a small child.

With a roll of her eyes, the woman leaned further out of her window and pointed around the side of the tower.

"How about you just use the door?"

"Door?"

"Yes, door. It's a wooden thing with hinges. You use it to access places."

He stared at her.

"Oh for God's sake..." muttered the woman, putting her head in her hands and leaning heavily on the window sill.

In the meantime, the prince seemed to have gathered what little there was of his thoughts and had discovered that there was indeed a door set in the direction she had pointed.

"Aha! Fear not, my lady! I have found a door! I will be with you shortly!"

* * *

It was not long before Uh had heaved himself up the stairs to the room where the woman was waiting, sorely regretting not locking the door.

"Greetings, fair lady!" cried Uh, bursting in, ready to launch into one of the many monologues he had composed with the help of the online thesaurus - not that he knew what a thesaurus actually was. "My eyes are much aggrieved that so beautiful a maiden is kept captive within these great stone walls! Your tumbling golden locks, your sparkling blue eyes, your skin pale as the moon-"

"My hair is brown, my eyes are green and you are a complete idiot." interrupted the woman through gritted teeth, but Uh seemed not to hear her and continued blustering on through his speech.

"Indeed, your beauty, it is eternal, ephemeral, exquisite-"

"You're making no sense." Said the woman wearily. "Nothing can be ephemeral and eternal."

"You are so impossibly pulchridutimus that I can scarce believe it!"

"Pulchritudinous." Corrected the woman, yet she knew that nothing she said was making it into his brain. With a sigh, she resolved to let him finish, and allowed her thoughts drift to her chances of survival if she were to jump out of the window.

Unfortunately, by his fiftieth mispronunciation of some rare, archaic synonym for beauty, it became evident that he could continue on for several days.

"Tell you what!" she broke in as he paused for breath, "If I said I could get you the most beautiful crown in the world, would you go back to your palace and forget you ever met me?"

Uh was stopped in his tracks. He had lost his crown several years before, and had been making do with a rough circlet made of tinfoil ever since.

"With rubies in it? And diamonds? And sapphires and emeralds?"

Sensing she had him interested, the woman nodded, feigning enthusiasm. "Hundreds of them."

"Where?"

"Come, I will show you!"

She no longer needed to pretend that she was glad to help him - the prospect of getting rid of her disturbingly idiotic suitor was definitely a bright one, and it was a struggle not to sprint down the stairs. With only a brief pause at the foot of the stairs to check her direction, the woman set off through the forest at a furious pace.

* * *

The woman lead Uh to one of the cottages nestled in The Forest. Elaborate wrought-iron gates were set into a low stone wall, and a path lead up towards the cottage.

"Arugula! What are you doing here?" came the voice from somewhere behind them. It was deep, and the speaker had a low growl in the back of their throat. "Who's he?"

The woman turned, and took a step towards the trees.

"This is...um..." she trailed off, realising that in her desperation to escape, she had no idea who her asinine follower was.

"Uh, son of His Royal Highness, King Harold." Announced Uh grandly, sweeping a bow with a flourish that caused him to overbalance and fall once more in the dirt.

The speaker snorted, then moved out from behind a hawthorn bush.

If Uh had not been spread-eagled on the ground, he would have looked straight over the top of the speaker's head. At any rate, it was obvious that he could not be more than three feet in height.

"You're a dwarf!" exclaimed Uh with a melodramatic gasp. He fumbled in his jodhpurs, procuring an asthma inhaler. With his eyes fixed firmly on the dwarf, he took three deep puffs.

"And you are a human." remarked the dwarf dryly, then continued: "I am perfectly aware of what I am, thank you. Although, I prefer the term 'vertically challenged'. It's far more politically correct." informed the dwarf, "And you are still not answering my question, Arugula." He turned back to the woman. "What is he doing here? You know how long it's taken to find a spot where no one would find me again!"

The woman – Arugula – crouched so that she could whisper to him.

"Please, you've got to make him a crown. It's the only way I'm ever going to get rid of him!" she pleaded, "I've never heard one person spout so much total lunacy! And he won't leave me alone. You owe me. Please!"

The dwarf narrowed his eyes, but turned his beady eyes on Uh.

"Fine." He pressed his lips together tightly. "Follow me."

With that, the dwarf turned on his heel and walked back into the trees, Uh and Arugula close on his heels.

* * *

"This," announced the dwarf as they entered, "Is my forge." He pointed into the corner. "That is where you sit."

Uh nodded vigorously, then went to sit on the floor where the dwarf had pointed. Arugula watched from the doorway as the dwarf measured the prince's head, giving it a hefty slap for good measure. Then he turned to his anvil, and began to work.

* * *

For several hours the dwarf bent over his anvil, pausing occasionally to throw something at the prince who was humming tunelessly in the corner.

It was not long before Uh became sick of this, and resorted instead to seeing how many times he could hit himself in the head before passing out – something both the dwarf and Arugula seemed to prefer.

After what seemed like years, the dwarf finally stumped over to the prince's limp form and shoved a glittering mass of metal onto his head.

"There." He said shortly. "Try not to break it."

The prince groaned something, rubbing the sore spot on his head, then sat up. The dwarf shoved a mirror at him, and Uh glanced at his reflection. Then he looked back.

"Oh no…" muttered Arugula, recognising the signs instantly. The dwarf looked up questioningly, but he soon found his answer as the prince launched into one of his speeches.

"Truly, this crown is the most regal thing I have ever seen. My eyes cannot bear to see it without a head handsome enough to match and I declare 'tis fortunate indeed that it is mine! Indeed, 'tis as if it was made for my own head! So alluring, so repined!"

"Refined." Corrected Arugula preparing for another monologue, although the moment she turned away from him, she heard a mighty thud and she looked back to see him slump back to the ground.

Startled and relieved in equal measure, Arugula stared around for the attacker.

"Ahem…." Muttered the dwarf, hastily hiding a mallet behind his back.

With the sigh of one freed from some heavy burden, Arugula smiled at her friend.

"Shall we go?" she asked, gesturing to the door. He nodded, and without a backward glance, they left.

**THE END**


End file.
